Sometimes life gets hard. It can hit you without warning and leave you navigating a tumultuous sea of emotions that can feel insurmountable. I know these feelings well. In 2020 I became the Leader of the National Party but within days experienced debilitating anxiety attacks that ultimately resulted in me walking away 53 days later. At my lowest point, a friend listened, and I will never forget that.
I am a believer in the simple power of listening. It’s why I am an Ambassador for Wellington Samaritans, because I am in awe at the impact of volunteers who turn up to be beside a phone and who just listen and chat as required bringing only enormous care and empathy.
Sometimes simply offering an open space for people to talk through what they are facing, how they are feeling, and what they are thinking, might be a lifesaver. Of course, sometimes people find it easier to share with someone they are not emotionally connected to. And that’s ok too.
Observing Wellington Samaritans has made me realise we can do more listening in our day-to-day lives to respond to a crisis.
When I spoke of my challenges publicly, I received hundreds of messages, mainly through social media, from people who had experienced their own mental health challenges. One of the common themes was the positive impact of someone being there to listen when you needed it. Three years on, I find it is the person who has their own challenges who will shake my hand and ask genuinely how I am. It is as if those who have walked similar paths know the power of sharing, listening, and checking in. So, there is more we all can do to be there for people today.
You don’t need a degree in social work to listen to a family member, mate, or colleague; just a willingness to be fully present and listen. I know that can sound daunting because there is an understandable concern that perhaps you might say something wrong or not help the situation. But I can tell you from experience, someone listening as I talk to my fears helped calm them. Somehow giving voice to my anxiety seemed to reduce it from inside my head – and that’s the power of a caring listener. Also, try and move from the ‘you all good’ throwaway line that is easy to deflect, by creating conditions for genuine listening. Honest sharing is more likely to occur if there is space and time for it to happen as opposed to a passing comment or message, however well-meaning. Try and create the time for the coffee, beer, walk, or phone call – because when time slows down from our often full-on daily pace, people can start opening up, and that is when the connections happen.
Todd Muller